Know Your X-Villains

Here's another piece from Marvel: Year in Review '93, What could have been a throwaway promo magazine from Marvel's worst creative era ever ended up full of humorous hidden gems openly mocking some of those selfsame awful comics. The following Guide to Life in the Mutant '90s by Clay Griffith was one of the funniest things in the book, skewering the homogeneity of the generic Mutant warlords, Yakuza fancy lads, Magneto groupies, leather fetishists, and spiky-armored ponytail enthusiasts who made up the X-Men's rogue's gallery in the '90s And does it all using comparative charts. See for yourself:

Fifteen years, and the words "No hot tub data" still crack me up, startling and annoying my wife. Lest you think all this irrelevant, keep in mind: How long can it be before Marvel signs Mark Millar and Bryan Hitch up to bring all of these guys back, anyway? Before you know it, Shinobi Shaw and Stryfe could be playing chess in silk robes while warring for control of the Upstarts, and where will you be then? Best to print this and laminate it, I'd say.

The REAL First Appearance of the Red Hulk

Well, okay not really. But it is the first appearance of a Red Hulk in a Marvel publication, predating the "Rulk's" first appearance by fifteen years. I was going through some old magazines earlier, and look at what I found in Marvel:Year in Review "93:


The page is from the article "Bring on the Bad Guys!" by Tom Brevoort and Mike Kanterovich, which concerns itself even then with the darkening of the Superheroes. Running with the article were lighter sidebar illustrations of the "Good" "Better" and "Best" versions of various Marvel chracters, with the best in each case being a wacky made-up version that was even more extreme than the most extreme version. You can imagine the character progressions that lead to "Bile", "the Patriot Missile", and "Clawjaw". Anyway, the "Red Hulk" pictured above is a red-colored Hulk 2099, if you didn't know.

Bitter Irony Alert: "Disney's Howard the Duck"

So yeah, this Marvel/Disney thing. They were going to get bought up by a corporate monolith sooner or later; Disney is as good as any, I suppose. I guess they have my permission.



One thing that kept coming up in articles about this were comments along the lines of: "Finally! Howard can team up with Donald!" "Howard the Duck and Mickey Mouse! It has to happen!" or "Maybe Pixar can do a Howard the Duck movie that works!"

Ugh. With all due respect to Pixar, who are great, no they fucking can't. And they shouldn't.

I'm fairly certain Howard the Duck hasn't even come up in corporate conversation yet, but before someone does get the bright idea to "strategically re-position Howard the Duck's branding paradigm" or whatever, let me remind everyone that Disney already has a family of Ducks, many of whom are cranky and irascible. One More or less won't make any difference. In fact, Disney actively worked to crush Howard back in the late 1970's.





Howard the Duck's popularity flared brightly and briefly after his debut in Adventure Into Fear #19 (1973). The book's idiosyncratic satire hit a nerve at the time, and the was quite popular for a time, thanks to the scripting of his creator, Steve Gerber. Gerber was Howard, basically, and the oddity-infested world he walked in reflected Gerber's unique mindset and worldview. Gerber was abruptly dismissed by Marvel over a number of issues, not the least of which was Disney's 1979 legal bullying of Marvel comics over Howard's alleged resemblance to Donald Duck.




Years later, Gerber was approached by Marvel to try a Howard relaunch under the newly minted, adult-slanted Marvel MAX imprint. Gerber was eager to try his hand at scripting the duck again, only to find that the Disney action was more than mere bullying. Here's the story in Gerber's words, from a 2001 Newsarama interview by Michael Doran (archived at Steve Gerber.com):

SG: "Back in 1979 or so - I don't have the exact date handy - the Walt Disney Company threatened to sue Marvel Comics, claiming that Howard the Duck infringed on their Donald Duck trademark. To avoid a legal battle, Marvel's old management signed an unbelievably stupid agreement with Disney regarding the design of Howard the Duck. Under the terms of that agreement, Howard must conform to a set of designs that Disney provided for the character. It's the version with the beady eyes, the hideous swollen beak, and the baggy trousers, the one that appeared in the black-and-white Howard magazine and in the movie. The way the agreement is worded, Marvel isn't even allowed to come up with an entirely different design, even if that design bore no resemblance to Donald.

"Over the past couple of decades, I've done a lot of complaining about the idiocy of Marvel's old management, and if ever there was proof of my argument, this is it. They literally let another company redesign their own character for them. As best I can tell, Marvel never even attempted to negotiate the matter, never even submitted any alternate designs for Disney's consideration. I can just picture the Disney artists, hunched over their drawing boards, cackling like hyenas, as they designed the ugliest duck they could possibly imagine. Disney's lawyers and management must have had a real belly laugh, too, when Marvel accepted their design without balking.

"Now, I wasn't even aware that such an agreement existed on paper. I thought Marvel had simply agreed on a 'handshake' basis with Disney that Howard wouldn't look like Donald. We were in the process of redesigning Howard - Glenn Fabry had done some terrific sketches - when Stuart Moore checked with Marvel's legal department and turned up the written agreement. Needless to say, everyone concerned was horrified. None of us, least of all myself, wanted to do a character that had to look like that appalling Disney design."

Gerber went on to explain that he eventually devised a workaround for the issue, by mutating Howard into a MOUSE for the new series, and they moved ahead. The series came out, and as a Howard fan, I enjoyed it, but it never did feel quite right. They say you can't go home again, and all that. Further, the story suffered for having to shoehorn in the mutation storyline, so the whole thing landed with a thud. More recently Marvel tried redesigning Howard yet again, under different creators, to deafening indifference.

The bitter irony is that Disney now owns the character they helped to make unusable. Steve Gerber died in 2008, silencing Howard's only convincing voice. Any Howard that remains is an empty, corporate shell; indistinguishable from the denizens of Duckburg, and pointless in today's world. So no, Donald Duck should not meet Howard the Duck. And no, Howard doesn't need to show up in Dark Reign either. Now, more than ever, Marvel should let sleeping ducks lie.

Howard the Duck is Dead. Let him rest in peace.

Marvel and MarvelMan

So Marvel owns Marvelman now. Oh shit. An insanely convoluted intellectual rights situation just got a whole hell of a lot crazier, and I'm sure this will all go just as smoothly as, say, the aftermath of Michael Jackson's death.



I’m not sure what, if anything was accomplished by Marvel’s deal with Mick Anglo, but it almost certainly had nothing to do with moving forward the reprinting of Miracleman. The list of people that may need to be placated in order to get those stories to print includes, but isn’t necessarily limited to: Alan Moore, Neil Gaiman, Garry Leach, Dez Skinn, Alan Davis, Chuck Austen, John Totleben, Rick Veitch, Mark Buckingham, and Todd McFarlane. That’s a lot of money to throw around, and some of those folks are going to be difficult no matter what.



But lets be optimistic and suppose Marvel throws money in all the right directions. Everyone buys off, and they get all the Marvelman and Miracleman rights, and even Alan Moore just basically washes his hands of it. Everything’s hunky-dory, right? Not so fast. Just because Marvel has caught this fish doesn’t mean they know how to gut it, clean it, and cook it.

Let’s say Marvel gets it together somehow to get a deluxe edition Miracleman collection into bookstores: $150 deluxe multi- volume set collecting books 1-4 . Regardless of format, rest assured that “MARVEL” will take up approximately 40% of the spine. In BIG RED LETTERS. They will fuck up the presentation somehow, I assure you. Do you think this one will be a big enough deal to call in Arthur Suydam to do the Zombie Variant cover? Because there will be one.

Then there’s the innards. In all the rush to get this treasured classic, how many of the higher ups at Marvel have actually read Miracleman recently? I have, and it’s full of interesting things that they might recoil at when the rubber hits the road, and the book goes to press. For example, I can’t imagine Marvel Comics leaving the unflinchingly realistic four-page birth scene from Miracleman #9 intact, at least not in any mass-market printing. In the context of the story, Miracleman has just rescued his very pregnant wife Liz from Doctor Gargunza, when she realizes that its time to have the baby. They are far from any hospital, so Miracleman has to help her deliver right then and there, and Rick Veitch drew the whole graphic birth sequence, front and center. And why not? There are sure enough graphic deaths in comics. But I can't imagine Marvel printing the sequence uncut, especially in any mass-market edition. Imagine the howls of outrage then! It's the next big tempest in a teapot, I'm telling ya!

This is My Favorite Panel From Neil Gaiman's MiracleMan

When or if you'll ever see the full context of this scene remains to be seen, but I assure you, Miracleman is NOT about a geriatric Nightwing being endlessly harangued by a morbidly obese Starfire, as much as I may wish otherwise. I've got some thoughts on Marvel's purchase of Marvelman coming soon, but first, I had to share this panel from Miracleman #22. Gaiman's first arc, with Mark Buckingham, got a bit surreal, as you can see. More on Miracleman and Marvelman soon, chums!





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Not Aunt Petunia!

I wasn't very impressed with this Marquis of Death/Master of Doom character when he spent the last few issues merrily slaughtering a host of alternate Fantastic Fours. I yawned when he casually tossed Doctor Doom himself back to the dawn of time, feeding him to prehistoric sharks. I briefly slipped into a coma when he blew up Latveria with a snap of his finger. But now that he's effortlessly skeletonized The Thing's Aunt Petunia, I'm convinced he's a stone-cold badass. Feh. I've been underwhelmed with Millar and Hitch's FF anyway, and now they cap it off by killing poor harmless Aunt Petunia. Well, maybe there will be some sort of cheesy cosmic reset switch at the end and we can forget this ever happened. As usual, there's some reason that Millar and Hitch can't quite finish on time, so the final issue of their "revolutionary" run will be handled by others. In the case of the art, by Stuart Immomen, so that's a step up, at least. Still, they have one issue to wrap all this up and marry off the Thing, assuming they're still going through with that. Again, Feh.

Red Hulk Revealed?

UPDATED 7/23/09

WARNING: Contains speculative SPOILERS about upcoming Incredible Hulk storylines!

My Red Hulk theory proved to be quite a popular feature for Again With the Comics, generating dozens of comments, alternate nutzo theories, and lots of traffic. Well, when I made my guess as to big Red's secret, I had no idea we'd still be wondering over a year later! Now it looks like we may be finally finding out who the Red Hulk is, in the upcoming Incredible Hulk #600:

THE STORY:
WHO IS THE RED HULK?! THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN IS GOING TO TRY AND FIND OUT! GREEN HULK! RED HULK! SPIDEY! SECRETS REVEALED! A STORY SO BIG IT CAN BARELY BE CONTAINED IN THE INCREDIBLE 600TH ISSUE OF HULK! ALL THIS AND A STARTLING SURPRISE ENDING TO TOP ALL THE OTHER SHOCKING SURPRISES THIS HULK BOOK IS KNOWN FOR! The chart-topping team of Jeph Loeb and Ed McGuinness bring you a 600th-issue celebration guest starring your friendly Neighborhood Web-Head as the original Incredible series returns!

Huh. Well, why not Spider-Man? No one else has been inclined to clear up the big mystery, so the web-head may as well pop up out of nowhere to do it. Problem is, If I'm right about the Red Hulk's identity being Glenn Talbot, Spidey probably won't even recognize the guy! Of course, at this point, the only real in in-story suspect is Clay Quartermain, kind of, as both General Ross and Doc Samson have appeared alongside "Rulk" in the story. But then Quartermain was never portrayed as having any particular grudge against the Hulk or Banner. Even when he was hunting the Hulk, it was often with Rick Jones at his side, and with the intent of helping Banner, not killing the Hulk. So even if it does end up being Clay, I'd cry foul on characterization. At any rate, Glenn Talbot hasn't been mentioned at all yet, so who knows if I'll end up being right? We'll see soon enough, I guess.

UPDATE: OR NOT. Psyche! Incredible Hulk #600 revealed nothing, but there was MODOK, and an unnamed, pencil-thin-mustached guy standing around with General Ross who could be Talbot, but who knows? The guy didn't say or do anything. Obviously, Marvel wants to milk this "mystery" for all its worth, so they may never say who Red Hulk is. Guess who doesn't even care anymore?

Buy RED HULK goodies at the Again With the Comics RED HULK STORE!

The Incorrigible Hulk Lives!

Hey look! All my bitching and moaning about Peter Bagge's long-shelved Incorrigible Hulk story finally paid off! Well, either that, or Marvel decideed it was time to print this one and get it off the damn books already, and my pissant little blog had nothing to do with it. Either way, Marvel's Max imprint brings the long awaited tale to print in September, in Strange Tales #1-3. More from Marvel's PR:

Just what does Peter Bagge have planned in “The Incorrigible Hulk”, a story so incredible that we had to serialize it over all three issues? Will Spider-Man make it out alive of Jason’s thrilling story? This first issue comes wrapped in a marvel-ous cover by Paul Pope and Jose Villarubia!

“Flat out, this is the apex of human artistic achievement. This is it. The end. The crowning result of tens of millions of years of evolution, right here, in three packed-to-the-gills issues,” said Editor John Barber. “The philosophy of the book was to have these creators from ‘indy’ or ‘alternative’ or “literary” or ‘art’ comics come in and do what they do best. I think Marvel readers will really dig seeing radically different versions of their favorite characters, and the fans of these cartoonists will get to see the creators work in a milieu they never thought they’d get to see. It’s win-win. It’s really the best of both worlds.”

Editor Jody LeHeup added, “This book is a metric ton of solid gold awesome. The talent we’ve got lined up are without hyperbole some of the greatest creative minds working in comics today. I mean, who wouldn’t want to read a Spider-Man story by Jason? Or an Iron man story by Tony Millionaire? Or anything by any of the contributors we’ve got attached to the project? I’ve been reading independent comics my whole life and I’ve always wanted to see what those creators could do with Marvel characters if they were given free reign to tell their stories. Well, now that visions becoming a reality and I can’t tell you what an incredibly special thing it is to see the final result. If you’re a fan of comics of any school, do yourself a favor and pick this up.”

STRANGE TALES MAX #1 (of 3)

Written and Drawn by: PAUL POPE, PETER BAGGE, MOLLY CRABAPPLE &JOHN LEAVITT, JUNKO MIZUNO, DASH SHAW, JAMES KOCHALKA, JOHNNY RYAN, MICHAEL KUPPERMAN, NICK BERTOZZI, NICHOLAS GUREWICH, AND JASON

DC did a similar project a few years back, the fine Bizzaro Comics Volumes 1 and 2, (fine, though they suffered a bit from an odd editorial edict that no contributor could both write and draw their stories). The MAX project has no such restrictions, so I expect to enjoy the final product that much more. Aside from the Bagge Hulk story, I eagerly await "an Iron Man story by Tony Millionaire", for example.

A Web of Woeful Spider-Man Foes

Speaking of Backwards Men, DROM, THE BACKWARDS MAN makes for a better sci-fi short story subject than a super-villain. For reasons unknown, Drom's infant self was swapped with his elderly body moments after birth, leading to a backwards-speaking, backwards-aging supervillain, who basically only had life-energy draining powers at his disposal and an arsenal consisting of special machinery to translate his gibberish and to process his food. He also has a magic mirror that does nothing save be utterly essential to Drom's survival, and extremely easy to smash, in that order. Which, given this is Marvel Team-Up, and not Antique Mirror Fancier it eventually, inevitably, is. The most forgettable villain in Spidey's history is literally forgotten after he devolves to infancy, then nothingness. Drom's first and only appearance was in Marvel Team-Up #13.

Who started out as a henchman for the Kingpin? Who does kingpin still consider his worst henchman ever, even worse than Turk? Who was given his powers by ubiquitous Marvel Universe Mad Scientist Dr.Harlan Stillwell? Who was genetically engineered to spontaneously generate whatever superpower he needed to deal with a given situation? Who squandered that awesome power being the lamest most generic villain ever? Who has a giant white phallic symbol pointing at his groin? Who has a girly wee tassle atop his pointy purple head? Who should NOT be allowed to dress himself ever, ever again?? Who is a response to a question no one asked?? THE ANSWER, that's who!

Speaking of which, answers were in short supply during the much-reviled FACADE "saga" in which much was made of the identity of the armored mystery man. Longtime Peter Parker rival Lance Bannon was killed by Facade, and an elaborate mystery was built around his identity, with suspects ranging from J. Jonah Jameson, to John Jameson, to some business guy nobodies introduced during the story's beginning. It doesn't matter, because Spider-Man fought Facade, the armor was destroyed, and a shadowy figure slipped away, vowing to return. The mystery of Facade was never solved and never addressed again, with the infamous Clone Saga taking over the Spider Man spotlight soon after. Who knows, maybe Facade was another Spider-Man clone, lowering the bar for the clone suckage to come.









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Some Less-Than-Spectacular Spider-Man Foes

Hey, Pennsylvania readers! Did'ja know Spider-Man once made a visit to your friendly neighborhood? Too bad he only had time to visit a prison and the Appalachian backwoods. This was during a story that had Robbie Robertson imprisoned for covering up some past crimes of Tombstone, his lifelong tormentor. Since, as far as big-city comic book writers know, Pennsylvania is crawling with inbred hill-folk, it only stands to reason that Spider-man's one recorded visit to the state would lead him head first into the buck-toothed, in-bred-ed-est hillbilly clan possible. "BANJO" was actually a ten year old kid mutated by radiation from Three-Mile Island into a hulking disfigured brute, seen above. Don't you love that custom logo, like this guy was ever going to be used again?

DISCLAIMER: At no point in this story is Spider-Man ordered to "Git them panties off! Git 'em right on off now, y'hear?" a la Deliverance. More's the pity.

SKINHEAD was a (lower-case) skin head racist who ran afoul of Spidey and his one black friend, the Rocket Racer. Later, while escaping the authorities, he ran into the Empire State University lab and found some bad web-fluid Peter had been working on. He got drenched with the stuff while fighting Rocket Racer, and it turned him into a protoplasmic horror in short order. Yes, apparently bad web fluid can make mooks into monsters. It's entirely possible Jameson was right!

Daredevil #300, in which Daredevil finally, decisively, defeated the Kingpin was barely off the presses before Web of Spider-Man was trying to cram a half-assed NEW KINGPIN down our throat. Kingpin's son, Richard Fisk rapidly gained 300 pounds and shed his hair to take over his father's empire in the much reviled "Name of the Rose" storyline before quickly disappearing. Not to worry though: the Web of Spider-Man guys couldn't backpedal fast enough, and the new Kingpin's next appearance revealed him to be Richard's friend, who had undergone plastic surgery as part of some convoluted scheme. Then of course, the real Kingpin returned soon enough, and the whole thing was ignored. That's commitment to your story, guys!

P.S Pretty much every version of the Rose sucked, too. Especially the "Blood" one.



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