Bang-Up Thrilling Displays of Physical Strength and Power

I think it's a damn shame that Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster were treated so badly for so long by National/DC Comics. They really should have gotten their proper due as the creators of Superman, if only so Siegel could have spent more of his sunset years playing golf and fewer writing comics like Mr. Muscles:

Brett Carson is Mr. Muscles, a costumed strongman who begins "Man Vs. Beast!" hanging out at the Zoo showing off for the adoring crowds. The best I can tell by this issue, somehow Mr. Muscles makes a living by running a gym full of "pupils", wrestling, and, well, appearing at Zoos, apparently.

But not everyone is a fan. Meet the most embittered Zookeeper in comics:

Mister Muscles dazzles the crowd with such feats as: balancing himself on one thumb! Lifting weights on barbells! 81 whole knee-bends! The exhibition climaxes as Mr. Muscles meets his greatest challenge yet; a big bald lard ass climbing a ladder to cannon ball our hapless roid-case:


HOORAY MR. MUSCLES!!! Of course, the fat guy tumbles down the ladder to a shuddering heap on the cement below, dislocating several vertebrae, but who cares, he’s just some fat fuck! MR. MUSCLES!!! Every day is a rippling, glistening, corded holiday with Mr. Muscles around!


That evening, the worlds mightiest physical culturist instructs his pupils:

"Now, the trick is to let them know you're really trying to kick the drugs, but you need to sell these candy bars so you can go to the drug retreat at Disney World. Then you won't be stuck here and tempted back to drugs. We talked about what IMPLY means, Right?

Class: (mumbles agreement)

Mr. Muscles: Right! So you all gotta IMPLY that if they DON'T buy enough candy bars, you might be back! For money to steal from them! For drugs!! "



Give the man credit though, when he gets an emergency call from the zoo, he immediately jumps out the window. I'd like to see "the Fuzz" match that level of service:


Published by Charlton Comics, Mr. Muscles took over issues 22 and 23 of the defunct Blue Beetle series, so don't be fooled into thinking that Mr. Muscles lasted 23 issues! Charlton did this sort of numbering trick all the time to avoid paying mailing fees related to starting up a new title. So they might start out with Combat Action for issues 1-7, change to Western Action for issues 8-13, and morph to Undersea Romance Western for issues 14-24, before wrapping up the run with, say, Captain Atom's Tomb of Terror for issues 25 and 26. Modern readers will be heartened to know that Marvel has made great strides in challenging Charlton’s position as King of the fucked-up numbering mountain in recent years.



In other news, yes, an apparently nude "Kid Muscles" has just jumped into the Roadster....

A page later, the Evil Zoo Keeper has immediately knocked out the useless Kid Muscles and trapped Mr. muscles in the tiger cage. Between their special Fat Guy/Bodybuilder Stunt-Stravaganza and their deranged, Tiger-unleashing Zoo Caretaker, I'm thinking this Zoo has some serious OSHA issues.

I have no words for the TIGER MUSCLE ZOO ACTION that follows:

Then it turns out that the wicked Zoo Keeper was just jealous of Mr. Muscles! He was all skinny, and Mr.Muscles was all strong, and it just made him want to turn tigers loose on one guy and try to shoot another guy!

Then Mr. Muscles tells the inspring tale of how he overcame polio to perfect his body and strove for years to regain his mobility, then later to resemble a giant greased cauliflower. All is forgiven as our Don Knotts-esque Zooman becomes a physical and moral exemplar, rippling with muscles and mental clarity. I like to think that he went back to work at the zoo wearing just the wrestling shorts and his "Zoo Caretaker" cap.

Matter Eater Legends: Tenzil For the Defense!

Now that Final Crisis: Legion of Three Worlds has finally wrapped, it looks like almost all Legion of Super-Heroes stories still “happened” somewhere in continuity, albeit maybe not in the timeline we thought they did. The original Legion that debuted in Adventure Comics #247 has been restored to its rightful place in the Earth-1/New Earth/Earth-Wherever-the-Hell-It-Is-That-All-the-Main-DC-Books-Take-Place timeline with most of their history intact, the exception being pretty much everything that happened after Crisis on Infinite Earths and the attendant erasure of Superboy from the Legion's timeline...

...You know, there's no way to write some of this stuff without sounding like a complete, gibbering loon.

Unfortunately, that means that the entire “Five years Later” Legion was wiped from the slate in favor of whatever new path the adult Legion forges from here on out. I can live with that, I guess, but it also wipes out the awesome and hilarious solo adventures of Tenzil Kem, a.k.a. Matter-Eater Lad, including “Tenzil For the Defense”.



Matter-Eater Lad was the longtime Legion member whose power was to basically eat anything. He became emblematic of the goofy nature of the early Legion of Super-Heroes era, but was hardly the goofiest thing they had going, or even the goofiest individual member. Nonetheless, his return to the 5YL Legion saw him played for laughs, and Tenzil was much needed comedy relief in the otherwise somber proceedings at the time. In his own blog, Writer Tom Bierbaum described how he wrote Tenzil as a Peter Venkman type of irreverent hero, a move that ended up being a truly inspired choice. This way, at least we're laughing with, and not at Matter-Eater Lad for a change. We first saw “the new Tenzil” in LoSH vol 4, #10 trying to get through space customs with an unorthodox form of currency:



Matter-Eater Lad had been out of the Legion picture for a long time, having eaten the reality-warping Miracle Machine in Superboy and The Legion of Super-Heroes #251, and subsequently being driven insane by its strange, cosmic energies. He recovered, but was drafted back into his home planet’s screwy compulsory political system, where he was an overwhelmingly beloved Senator. He returned to his unwanted political duties with a sense of freewheeling abandon, actively trying to get thrown out of the Bismollian senate by blowing taxpayer money on several increasingly-popular documentary shows, including the fact-ignoring and sanity-defying “Wild Archaeology”:




Of course, the shows are so popular that he ends up bringing in more money to his constituency than he could ever effectively piss away, therefore the people love him, and the government hates him. After awhile, interest wanes, and Wild Archaeology is canceled to make way for a courtroom drama: Tenzil for the Defense! Tenzil is only half-interested until he finds that his first case involves former Legion leader Polar Boy, arrested for inciting dissension at a pizza parlor. Remember that Earthgov was shadow-backed by Dominators at this time, so Tenzil knows that there is no way that Polar Boy is going to get a fair trial. Tenzil throws himself into Brek’s defense the only way he knows how; unapologetic, madcap stalling antics, and one of the funniest courtroom scenes I’ve read in comics:





Tenzil wins the case but wisely hauls ass off Earth with Polar-Boy in tow, still wearing his Braino costume, before anyone has too much time to think about it. This was a classic issue, with some truly hilarious moments. It also led to another couple of epic Tenzil/Polar Boy adventures, but those will have to wait for another day. As of Final Crisis: Legion of Three Worlds #5, Matter-Eater Lad is among a few still-missing characters that the Legion needs to locate, so let’s hope he eats his way back into the spotlight soon!

Torpid Tales of Tomorrow

Greetings, organic ones, I am HUGO, and I've been programmed to be your robo-host for tonights trio of FUTURISTIC FAIL TALES. You may remember me from my appearance in "The Perfect Servant", and...What? N..Noo I'm not crying. Its just that I was running errands for Professor Tompkins earlier today, and there was this awful woman at the patent office, then the girl at Arby's got the Professor's order all wrong and it was just awful... ANYway...


SCIENCE! TIME! STUPIDITY! Three dangerous primal elements that mankind toys with at its peril! Witness a future where science is so advanced that time travel is common! So common in fact, that common, stupid children are allowed access to its wonders!! It's fucked-upper than a soup sandwich! It's a PLANETARY ERROR!!




Smooth move, Space-Lax. Of course, the School District bears some responsibility too, I suppose. To quote Seymour Skinner, "God bless the man who invented permission slips". Paular-Nine went on to fade from view, his existence having been negated by his own actions!

Next, They thought him mad, but Karl Crowder knew the secrets of the fleas, and therefore, the secrets of...the TINY WORLD:

Okay, I'm sorry, but that just does not compute. It's too bad that Flea circus owners exert such a stranglehold on the scientific community. OH WAIT, THEY DON'T. My goodness, this is a motley assortment of stories isn't it? I need more robo-hooch to keep this up, if Professor Tompkins BITCH SISTER din't hide it again!


DOOK DOOK DOOK... Much better!

Finally, we enter a DOORWAY TO THE FUTURE...and boredom!




Beware mysterious doors, reader, for they might lead to tedious paperwork...IN THE FUTURE!

Well, my diodes are cracked. I have to be going anyway, to get Professor Tompkin's dinner in the oven, that is if his BITCH SISTER doesn't try to have me deprogrammed again! Er, that is...BLAST OFF, space cadets!



CREDITS
"Planetary Error" published in Marvel Boy #2, 1951
"The Tiny World" published in Mysteries of Unexplored Worlds #2, 1957
"Doorway to the Future" published in Frankenstein Comics #33, 1954
Creators unknown in all cases.

The Sensual Aunt May!

FAIR WARNING: Possibly NSFW, Definitely Not Safe For SANITY.

Dear Peter:
I'm sending you this letter because I know what a sensitive boy you are and I don't want to frighten you in person. I know you're still shaken after finding me and J.Jonah Jameson Senior "getting it on" recently, but surely you knew that your Aunt May is a grown woman with needs and desires of her own, didn't you dear?


Why, I've always been a randy old girl, Peter. When I wasn't making you Wheat cakes, I was makin' bacon with your Uncle Ben, Lord rest his soul. After Ben passed, I thought nothing would fill the void so to speak, until I met dear, dear Willie Lumpkin. Oh, I don't think you knew about my first torrid affair with Dear Willie. It was about three weeks after we buried Ben, and I met him right after he applied for Fantastic Four membership.



Oh, that ear-wiggling devil sweet talked me right into his mail sack! And let me tell you, Peter dear, those ears aren't the only part that wiggles! ;-) You're a grown man now Peter, and you're old enough to know that Doctor Octopus, Nathan Lubensky, Willie Lumpkin (the third time) and that well-endowed but nonetheless horrible creature who was posing as that nice Mister Jarvis were just the tip the May Parker sexberg.

Yes, my dear Peter, that first torrid, sweaty affair with Willy was the first of many, many many, secret sexcapades you were never privy to! This might be a good time to take a break, drink a peptic bromide and settle your nerves, dear.

I hope you feel better Peter, and realize I am only telling you this out of love. As I was saying, in some ways, I dealt with Ben's death by taking many lovers into my boudoir, including the Vulture, the Tinkerer, the Ancient One, Captain Stacy, Anna Watson, the Real Jarvis, Baron Mordo, that nice Mister Robertson, Nick Fury AND Dum-Dum Dugan, Agatha Harkness, and oh, so many others!

Unfortunately, in my passion, I often forgot about my weak heart, hence all the heart attacks I've had over the years. Yes, my nephew, I'm sorry to tell that my poor health was mostly my own fault, what with all the wild boning and screwing. I certainly hope that was never too much of an inconvenience for you!


My physical health has improved over the years, but now my memory is getting unreliable. I keep trying to remember why I was living in Avengers Tower. Did I move in with Edwin? But why were you and Mary Jane also living there? Oh yes, I remember now! You were posing as Spider-Man! Why did you do that, Peter? That was so dangerous for all of us, it finally ended my sex life for good. Well except for Jarvis, of course. Then HE ended up being some sort of monster from space. After that, there's so much I cannot remember, but all I know is that I want to slow down and marry the best man I've known since Ben.

Peter Parker, I am going to marry J. Jonah Jameson Senior. I'm going to settle down with one wonderful man who loves the real me, and yet is still very flexible and up for some light bondage. There's just one last conquest I want to make, before I put my swinging days behind me forever. I've had my eye on one elusive young man for quite some time, and I think you might be able to introduce us, if it doesn't make you too uncomfortable. Peter, could you possibly introduce me to that hunky young Spider-Man? There's a stack of wheat cakes in it for you!

With Love - Aunt May

A Web of Woeful Spider-Man Foes

Speaking of Backwards Men, DROM, THE BACKWARDS MAN makes for a better sci-fi short story subject than a super-villain. For reasons unknown, Drom's infant self was swapped with his elderly body moments after birth, leading to a backwards-speaking, backwards-aging supervillain, who basically only had life-energy draining powers at his disposal and an arsenal consisting of special machinery to translate his gibberish and to process his food. He also has a magic mirror that does nothing save be utterly essential to Drom's survival, and extremely easy to smash, in that order. Which, given this is Marvel Team-Up, and not Antique Mirror Fancier it eventually, inevitably, is. The most forgettable villain in Spidey's history is literally forgotten after he devolves to infancy, then nothingness. Drom's first and only appearance was in Marvel Team-Up #13.

Who started out as a henchman for the Kingpin? Who does kingpin still consider his worst henchman ever, even worse than Turk? Who was given his powers by ubiquitous Marvel Universe Mad Scientist Dr.Harlan Stillwell? Who was genetically engineered to spontaneously generate whatever superpower he needed to deal with a given situation? Who squandered that awesome power being the lamest most generic villain ever? Who has a giant white phallic symbol pointing at his groin? Who has a girly wee tassle atop his pointy purple head? Who should NOT be allowed to dress himself ever, ever again?? Who is a response to a question no one asked?? THE ANSWER, that's who!

Speaking of which, answers were in short supply during the much-reviled FACADE "saga" in which much was made of the identity of the armored mystery man. Longtime Peter Parker rival Lance Bannon was killed by Facade, and an elaborate mystery was built around his identity, with suspects ranging from J. Jonah Jameson, to John Jameson, to some business guy nobodies introduced during the story's beginning. It doesn't matter, because Spider-Man fought Facade, the armor was destroyed, and a shadowy figure slipped away, vowing to return. The mystery of Facade was never solved and never addressed again, with the infamous Clone Saga taking over the Spider Man spotlight soon after. Who knows, maybe Facade was another Spider-Man clone, lowering the bar for the clone suckage to come.









.